Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
The internet is magic sometimes.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.