My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
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[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”