Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Unimpressed
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
You are not alone 💚
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes