Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great