Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
WHY?!
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!