*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
SCARY COSTUME
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.