You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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Mouse
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Livid.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Only a mother’s love …
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.