Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
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Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Shark week, but for squirrels.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months