one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.