An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Challenge accepted.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Wednesday
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”