Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!