Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
lumberjacks will cut a birch
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one