if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
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The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger