I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
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My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I was bored.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope