exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
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I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
That’s no pocket rocket.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
oh you wanna fight?!
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair