Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
What flavor cupcake are these
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
*me flirting
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.