Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
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According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Attacked by a mop.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.