[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
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Barbie gone wild
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Genius idea!!
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Breaking news:
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.