*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband