So sick of all these stupid rules
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.