Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
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I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.