[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
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Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots