Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
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me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
This is a bad sign
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you