I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
men are simple creatures
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.