“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.