origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.