C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
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I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
best first i’ve ever seen
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that