Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.