School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
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My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro