a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
You Might Also Like
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[shakes fist at other fist]
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
ACED my prostate exam!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean