To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
yeah no that’s fair
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN