Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Sign of the day..
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
A short story about romance.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
if my sleeping schedule was a person
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”