Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
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Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I don’t think my car can fly
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut