Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Ummm
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.