Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?