My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
You Might Also Like
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
twitter is a journey
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.