There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’m dying louder than usual today.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda