Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!