What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
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I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]