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Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
called in thicc to work this morning
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.