I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
You Might Also Like
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??