I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.