I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
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ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
it’s the silliest best thing
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.