The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.