Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
May never get over this
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.