Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
You Might Also Like
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.