Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
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i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?