A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.