Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
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My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover