*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
This trial is so absurd 😭
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”